Journal · After euthanasia
I Know Why We Chose Euthanasia. So Why Do I Still Feel Guilty?
I knew why we made the decision. But my mind kept returning to one painful question: what if?
I know why we chose euthanasia.
He was sick.
I saw what his body was going through.
I remember the conversations with the vet.
And I remember why we didn’t want to wait until his worst day.
But tonight my brain asked me the same question again:
What if we were too early?1. Suddenly, I only remember the good moments
My brain does something cruel.
It forgets the difficult days for a minute.
Instead, I remember:
Him eatingLooking at meHaving one good afternoon
And immediately I think:
See? Maybe he wasn’t ready.
2. Then the other questions arrive
What if we had waited another day?
What if another treatment worked?
What if he wanted more time?
Did he know I was trying to help him?
I can ask these questions endlessly because there is no version of yesterday that I can go back and test.
3. I am trying to remember the whole story
Not only his final good moment.
Not only his final bad moment.
The whole story.
His illness
What the vet told us
The changes we had already watched happen
The reason we made the decision we did
Tonight I still feel guilty.
But guilt is not new evidence that I made the wrong decision.
It is a feeling I am carrying after making an irreversible one.
I loved him when I wanted one more day.
I loved him when I decided not to ask him for it.
Both things can be true.